Professional Foreigner

Every laowai likely enjoys a few jobs as a professional foreigner during their time in China.  Thanks to some awesome guanxi (connections), I landed a gig as a judge at a national English competition for primary and middle school students.  All I needed to do was show up and judge how well the contestants spoke English.  My qualifications you ask?  Simply being a foreigner.  Yes, today The Laowai Times stoops to muckraking journalism about China's black market trade in foreigners for hire.

These kinds of jobs are nothing new here in China.  Almost everyone I meet here has a story about somewhere they appeared or something they did as a professional laowai.  For example I once got paid 1000 yuan ($166) for giving a speech at a prominent aviation engineering university.  I was barely older than the students, and I knew absolutely nothing about aviation or engineering.  My only qualification was that I am not Chinese.  The school didn't even give me a topic for the speech.  I could have chosen whatever the hell I wanted to talk about for an hour and a half.  I settled on "Cultural Awareness".  My speech ran spectacularly short, and I finished in an hour.

Tang Qi served as our Simon Cowell

During my time in China I have heard some good stories about foreigners for hire.  Someone once told me about their career in television, someone else about their tenure as a ceramics expert, and one guy I know hosted a news radio show on Chinese state radio.  Needless to say, it came as little surprise when I got the call up to the big leagues of professional English judging without even playing in the minors.  This isn't to say I didn't take it seriously.  One of the telling things about my judging experience was the fact that the other judges and I seemed to take the event more seriously than its organizers.

The gigantic hotel hosting the event had the North Korean atmosphere that many fancy places in China exude.  It sat on the edge of the mountains outside Beijing, magnificently adorned with gold and marble, and almost completely devoid of human life.  The actual judging of the event went well aside from one contestants meltdown from nerves.  I felt terrible for her.  She was doing fine and studdenly she just starting balling.  As many of my readers may know, I don't handle situations like this well.  Unluckily for our panel and the contestant, our female judge was also from Indiana and doesn't handle that kind of situation well either.

It has a banner.  You know it's legit.

Some of participants had intricately choreographed and well rehearsed routines.  One even did a standup comedy routine.  The difficult part was weeding out who had the best English and who had the pushiest parents.  This usually only took a simple question like what is you favorite color?.  No small task considering the stakes at the International English Elitist Tournament.  That's right.  Elitist.  Don't think they are using that word correctly, but I am just the judge.     

I enjoyed my lucrative stint as a judge on the Chinese equivalent of Toddlers and Tiaras.  The contestants were about 50/50 between those who actually wanted to be there and those whose parents forced them to participate.  As people in China continue scrambling to learn English, I hope to swing a few more of these jobs in the future.  Maybe I'll compete in the Chinese version of this contest someday.  I'll get working on my standup routine right away.

P.S. Enjoy these photos from Tang Qi and my trip to Tangshan for Chinese New Year.    

At the Tangshan Earthquake Memorial

Solo at the memorial

A USMC WWII veterans hat for sale at the
Tangshan mall

Me with the Spring Festival Gala on TV

Chilling with my Chinese Zodiac animal

Tang Qi getting in touch with her inner snake 

         

Spring Festival Gala: Propaganda or Entertainment?

I'll answer this questions up front and center, it's propaganda.  It's propaganda just barely entertaining enough to pass off as a television show.  Imagine Saturday Night Live, if it were run by the government in a dystopian future and emphasized the musical guests over the sketches.  In the run up to midnight this year, the gala included a 5 minute video about how great Xi Jinping is, finishing with a shot of China's aircraft carrier.  In Chinese the sailors on the flight deck said listen to the party and we will win this.  Though what the Hell they were talking about winning no one seems to know.  So instead of seeing a ball drop and a million people celebrate, you get to watch an overweight politician who looks like a cat shake hands.  But this is all most people know.  At least the ones who haven't traveled abroad.

Mr. Xi appeared in lots of stock images wearing
Mao suits

Many of the sketches feature famous Chinese comedians.  Many ambassadors also make pre-recorded appearances wishing viewers, "Happy New Year," usually in English.  After chatting with a friend and fellow English teacher over the weekend, I have come to the conclusion that the need for laowai approval is off-putting at best.  The Spring Festival Gala certainly embodies this need.  It seems the longer I live here the madder this self-imposed inferiority complex makes me.  It troubled me that the ambassadors didn't use their native languages to wish viewers a happy new year, instead speaking English.

This year's mascot.  There has been
much debate about whether this year's
animal in the Chinese Zodiac translates
into sheep, ram, or goat

Apparently many Chinese agree with me.  The South China Morning Post ran a story today about the response to the Gala on Weibo (Chinese Twitter).  Weibo users riticized the shows preaching about corruption.  Many people have told me that mocking the event on the social networking site has become something of a tradition in its own right.  I imagine its similar to people making fun of the Oscars, Superbowl, or Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve.  However, no Chinese equivalent of "Left Shark" has appeared in the pop culture lexicon this year, at least not yet.

The Gala serves its purpose, giving us a reason to cluster around the television on a night best spent with family.  Yes it's glitzy propaganda with low production values, but sometimes its okay for things to be entertaining for the wrong reasons.  Where else can you see Beijing Opera and street dancing in uncomfortably close proximity.  Most of the sketches no one laughed at in our house, but that isn't really why we were watching it.

   

Smoking Clown Flower Delivery Service

The Sign

I thought I'd take the time to highlight some of Beijing's more unorthodox sights.  I'll start with one of my favorites.  Shortly after moving to Gulou I had my first encounter with this company.  I was nearly run over by a smoking clown on a three-wheeled motor bike.  Some first impression, am I right?  Little did I know that this would become a common occurrence during my time in Beijing.  My initial reaction was that IT had finally decided to come for me.  The realization of a terrible childhood fear that always made me wish I had asthma, so I could carry an inhaler.  Once I realized it wasn't in fact Tim Curry in a clown outfit, but a chain-smoking Chinese man, I got curious.  What?  Why?  Like so many of the weird things in China, no one seems to have a halfway decent answer to this question.  

Employees on a break

 For any honrary Beijinger, getting flowers delivered by a clown riding a giant duck isn't such an unusual gift.  Throw in the fact that the clown is almost always smoking and often looks clinically depressed, and you have a Beijing institution.  After almost getting run over that day, I started to see the ubiquitous duck everywhere, cruising the hutongs of central Beijing.  The duck also played on another of my childhood fears, resembling the Penguin's preferred mode of transportation in Batman Returns.  Between psychotic clowns from the Macro-verse and Batman super villains, this company packs enough punch to traumatize even the most well adjusted six year old.       

Getting ready to wreak havoc
on Gotham City

 I really want to hear the sales pitch the founder of this company to investors.  So, we will deliver the flowers in a giant motorized duck, and we will dress our employees as a clowns.  To some people it might sound like the kind of outside-the-box thinking that made Apple a global powerhouse.  However, I remain skeptical.  It has been successful enough to open another location.  That's right.  There are at least two locations of Smoking Clown Flower Delivery Service that this humble blogger knows about in the Beijing area, proving the power of Apple's slogan, Think Different.  And proving maybe no one, especially me, can predict the crazy stuff Chinese consumers will spend their money on.      

      

Chinese New Year or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Lunar Calender

Chinese New Year, CNY for the texters out there, is approaching fast.  Often referred to as Spring Festival, Lunar New Year, or Chunjie, this holiday has more names than Larry King has had wives.  It serves as the paramount holiday throughout most of East Asia, and many people around the world take the opportunity to light off a few roman candles.  I am in the process of getting hyped up for traveling, fireworks, and Chinese food, while mentally preparing myself for the 8 hours in front of the TV for this year's Spring Festival Gala.   Some good and not so good things make this holiday unique.  Luckily I plan to walk you through them and guide you to all the wonderful Spring Festival events, while steering clear of the pitfalls.

The Good

Temple Fairs - Temple Fairs are like giant garage sales that occur at temples during Spring Festival.  Usually they offer tacky souvenirs and fireworks at cut rate prices.  They also provide great opportunities to visit some of Beijing's lesser known temples.  Make sure to take the opportunity to practice your Chinese bargaining skills.

Boiled Dumplings

Food - The traditional meal for Chinese New Year is of course dumplings.  The boiled variety to be exact.  Making them with the family makes for a wonderful experience and cooks up a few precious memories.  However, eating them certainly is the highlight of the holiday's culinary adventures.  Fish is also a traditional meal around the holiday season, but I advise sticking with the dumplings.  They usually don't have bones like the fish.

Spring Festival Gala - Okay, Okay.  I know I made a joke about this earlier, but the Spring Festival Gala is an important part of any CNY celebration in Mainland China.  The world's most watched yearly TV program (take that Super Bowl), the Gala boasts an array of comedians, performers, and musicians.  Many of China's very important and recognizable celebrities make appearances.  The program is also notable for the first appearance of Canadian, Mandarin speaking sensation DaShan 大山.  I certainly enjoyed last year's Gala for the ironic performance of a dancing troop performing an interpretive dance about punishing land owners for China's elite and well-connected.

Canadian superstar Da Shan running with what appears to
be the Olympic Torch

Hongbao - Children receive red, money-filled envelopes for CNY from their relatives.  Called a Hong Bao, these envelopes contain money.  Now, I am a little old for Hong Baos, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that I might receive a Hongbao or two this holiday season.   

The Bad

Fireworks - I know setting off fireworks is fun, and the novelty of lighting off fireworks in their homeland is an opportunity not to be missed, but the fireworks really go overboard.  Expect a 6 a.m. wake up call consisting of cherry bombs and bottle rockets.  Also, be prepared for minimum regard for human health and safety.  Be careful out there people.  It's like a warzone.  

The Ugly

Recent incidents have made flying in China
unappealing.  Why not take the bus instead?

Travel - Traveling in China during Spring Festival is an absolute nightmare.  The government estimates that over 2 billion journeys will be undertaken during this year's season, so prepare for long waits, delays, and traffic jams.  On the upside, staying put has its advantages.  Beijing is largely deserted during Chinese New Year, giving the whole city the feeling of an episode of Life After People.  Last I even got a seat on Line 10 during the holiday season.  A feat unlikely to ever be repeated.

Chinese New Year represents the cultural Holy Grail for sinophiles looking to immerse themselves in Chinese culture.  A word of advice; make sure to set goals for yourself during the holiday season, so you don't spend everyday on the couch watching reruns.  This year I am hoping to step up my Mahjong game and become a serious contender.