Professional Foreigner

Every laowai likely enjoys a few jobs as a professional foreigner during their time in China.  Thanks to some awesome guanxi (connections), I landed a gig as a judge at a national English competition for primary and middle school students.  All I needed to do was show up and judge how well the contestants spoke English.  My qualifications you ask?  Simply being a foreigner.  Yes, today The Laowai Times stoops to muckraking journalism about China's black market trade in foreigners for hire.

These kinds of jobs are nothing new here in China.  Almost everyone I meet here has a story about somewhere they appeared or something they did as a professional laowai.  For example I once got paid 1000 yuan ($166) for giving a speech at a prominent aviation engineering university.  I was barely older than the students, and I knew absolutely nothing about aviation or engineering.  My only qualification was that I am not Chinese.  The school didn't even give me a topic for the speech.  I could have chosen whatever the hell I wanted to talk about for an hour and a half.  I settled on "Cultural Awareness".  My speech ran spectacularly short, and I finished in an hour.

Tang Qi served as our Simon Cowell

During my time in China I have heard some good stories about foreigners for hire.  Someone once told me about their career in television, someone else about their tenure as a ceramics expert, and one guy I know hosted a news radio show on Chinese state radio.  Needless to say, it came as little surprise when I got the call up to the big leagues of professional English judging without even playing in the minors.  This isn't to say I didn't take it seriously.  One of the telling things about my judging experience was the fact that the other judges and I seemed to take the event more seriously than its organizers.

The gigantic hotel hosting the event had the North Korean atmosphere that many fancy places in China exude.  It sat on the edge of the mountains outside Beijing, magnificently adorned with gold and marble, and almost completely devoid of human life.  The actual judging of the event went well aside from one contestants meltdown from nerves.  I felt terrible for her.  She was doing fine and studdenly she just starting balling.  As many of my readers may know, I don't handle situations like this well.  Unluckily for our panel and the contestant, our female judge was also from Indiana and doesn't handle that kind of situation well either.

It has a banner.  You know it's legit.

Some of participants had intricately choreographed and well rehearsed routines.  One even did a standup comedy routine.  The difficult part was weeding out who had the best English and who had the pushiest parents.  This usually only took a simple question like what is you favorite color?.  No small task considering the stakes at the International English Elitist Tournament.  That's right.  Elitist.  Don't think they are using that word correctly, but I am just the judge.     

I enjoyed my lucrative stint as a judge on the Chinese equivalent of Toddlers and Tiaras.  The contestants were about 50/50 between those who actually wanted to be there and those whose parents forced them to participate.  As people in China continue scrambling to learn English, I hope to swing a few more of these jobs in the future.  Maybe I'll compete in the Chinese version of this contest someday.  I'll get working on my standup routine right away.

P.S. Enjoy these photos from Tang Qi and my trip to Tangshan for Chinese New Year.    

At the Tangshan Earthquake Memorial

Solo at the memorial

A USMC WWII veterans hat for sale at the
Tangshan mall

Me with the Spring Festival Gala on TV

Chilling with my Chinese Zodiac animal

Tang Qi getting in touch with her inner snake 

         

Chinese New Year or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Lunar Calender

Chinese New Year, CNY for the texters out there, is approaching fast.  Often referred to as Spring Festival, Lunar New Year, or Chunjie, this holiday has more names than Larry King has had wives.  It serves as the paramount holiday throughout most of East Asia, and many people around the world take the opportunity to light off a few roman candles.  I am in the process of getting hyped up for traveling, fireworks, and Chinese food, while mentally preparing myself for the 8 hours in front of the TV for this year's Spring Festival Gala.   Some good and not so good things make this holiday unique.  Luckily I plan to walk you through them and guide you to all the wonderful Spring Festival events, while steering clear of the pitfalls.

The Good

Temple Fairs - Temple Fairs are like giant garage sales that occur at temples during Spring Festival.  Usually they offer tacky souvenirs and fireworks at cut rate prices.  They also provide great opportunities to visit some of Beijing's lesser known temples.  Make sure to take the opportunity to practice your Chinese bargaining skills.

Boiled Dumplings

Food - The traditional meal for Chinese New Year is of course dumplings.  The boiled variety to be exact.  Making them with the family makes for a wonderful experience and cooks up a few precious memories.  However, eating them certainly is the highlight of the holiday's culinary adventures.  Fish is also a traditional meal around the holiday season, but I advise sticking with the dumplings.  They usually don't have bones like the fish.

Spring Festival Gala - Okay, Okay.  I know I made a joke about this earlier, but the Spring Festival Gala is an important part of any CNY celebration in Mainland China.  The world's most watched yearly TV program (take that Super Bowl), the Gala boasts an array of comedians, performers, and musicians.  Many of China's very important and recognizable celebrities make appearances.  The program is also notable for the first appearance of Canadian, Mandarin speaking sensation DaShan 大山.  I certainly enjoyed last year's Gala for the ironic performance of a dancing troop performing an interpretive dance about punishing land owners for China's elite and well-connected.

Canadian superstar Da Shan running with what appears to
be the Olympic Torch

Hongbao - Children receive red, money-filled envelopes for CNY from their relatives.  Called a Hong Bao, these envelopes contain money.  Now, I am a little old for Hong Baos, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that I might receive a Hongbao or two this holiday season.   

The Bad

Fireworks - I know setting off fireworks is fun, and the novelty of lighting off fireworks in their homeland is an opportunity not to be missed, but the fireworks really go overboard.  Expect a 6 a.m. wake up call consisting of cherry bombs and bottle rockets.  Also, be prepared for minimum regard for human health and safety.  Be careful out there people.  It's like a warzone.  

The Ugly

Recent incidents have made flying in China
unappealing.  Why not take the bus instead?

Travel - Traveling in China during Spring Festival is an absolute nightmare.  The government estimates that over 2 billion journeys will be undertaken during this year's season, so prepare for long waits, delays, and traffic jams.  On the upside, staying put has its advantages.  Beijing is largely deserted during Chinese New Year, giving the whole city the feeling of an episode of Life After People.  Last I even got a seat on Line 10 during the holiday season.  A feat unlikely to ever be repeated.

Chinese New Year represents the cultural Holy Grail for sinophiles looking to immerse themselves in Chinese culture.  A word of advice; make sure to set goals for yourself during the holiday season, so you don't spend everyday on the couch watching reruns.  This year I am hoping to step up my Mahjong game and become a serious contender.    

Bowled Over

Classic

It's an unassuming bowling alley.  It has lanes, bowling balls, and snacks just like any other.  The shoes still sport that characteristic bowling shoe appearance with the sizes on the back.  However, something important was missing.  Something every bowling alley has was conspicuously absent.  Then I realized that it was much easy to breathe than it should have been.

Me in action

Believe it or not, a bowling alley without the smell of smoke is a troubling thing.  The comfort you get from the smokey smell and your familiarity with it go a long way to making you feel safe.  When it isn't there, something just doesn't feel right.  My trip bowling the other night was a bit of a surreal experience.  After spending my morning watching the Colts get beat down by two guys that are the sports equivalent of Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader (Belichick and Brady), I needed to blow off some steam at the lanes.  

Tang Qi ready to roll

Absolutely nothing in the alley gave any indication I was in China.  It was as if someone had picked up a bowling alley from suburban Indiana and dropped into the basement of a Dongzhimen building.  Even the measurements were in Imperial standard.  My shoes said size 11 instead of 46, and the balls proudly featured their weights in pounds instead of kilograms.  Everything was in English.  You often encounter this "copycat" phenomenon in China where their sole goal is to copy something so exactly from America that you can't tell the difference.  This concept certainly extends to the food here too.

Just like in America, it was a great way to spend a night out.  And just like in America, my bowling skills need work.  

In China, a good deal of socializing
is done with your phone

      

Happy Ending at the Massage Parlor (not like that)

Overworked like this guy?
Get a massage

I woke up a few mornings ago with some back pain.  Eighteen hours on a plane will do that to you though.  Tang Qi recommended I go to a Chinese massage parlor, but I had some serious reservations.  I didn't see how it would help.  Or more accurately I couldn't see through my cultural perceptions  how it would help.  Chinese massage parlors conjure mental images of giggling Chinese, female masseuses and shadiness.  She convinced me to go, and I must admit that my trip to the massage parlor helped.  I dragged her with me just in case I came home one kidney lighter.  That way I'd at least have a witness.

Tang Qi on the way out of the place

The building was exactly like what I imagined.  It sported a very "Soviet" feel, including two tone walls with peeling paint.  The waiting room of course had the diagrams of the human foot that every massage parlor has smattering the walls.  Some out of date magazines sat on the table in the waiting room, including a copy of Yacht magazine (yes it's a real thing in China).  I enjoyed flipping through it, and the next time I take my yacht to Xiamen, I'll now know where to park it.

Tang Qi dodging the photo

The massage room was open, so there was no need to disrobe.  I remained full clothed, and because of a lack of opening, Tang Qi sat on a chair next to my massage bed.  I credit her vigilance with the fact I still have both kidneys.  At least I think I have both kidneys.  Two other patrons lay on their stomachs in the middle of their massages.  The masseuse pulled a dingy towel off a rack.  The rack looked like a medium sized Coca-Cola refrigerator you might find at a 7-11.  About halfway through my massage one of the other patrons began to snore, loudly.  A good deal of snicking laughter occurred.    

The masseuse working
his magic

Look at that concentration

I got to enjoy about an hour in the chair for the low, low price of just 40 yuan.  I also left feeling much better.  My back felt better, and I felt like I could cross an important milestone off my Beijing bucket list.  

Extra:  Checkout this photo of Beijing during SMOGOCALYPSE 2015.  Yesterday the pollution literally went of the scale.  It issued a yellow alert from the government.  That's right, just a yellow alert for this.  Sounds like a joke, but it isn't that red dot is the sun at about 3pm.

SMOGOCALYPSE

Indiana by comparison

Tang Qi and I visited one of Beijing's ever increasing craft breweries for food and drinks

The Paper Chase: Searching for an Elusive Book and the Time to Read It

I've experienced a few false starts reading-wise lately.  Starting books but not finishing them.  It happened with the overhyped Run, Rabbit and continued with the longwinded Shogun.  Since these setbacks I've read some really great titles, including two Agatha Christie novels.  One great, the other good.  I also read a throwaway space thriller from the 1980's too.  Long story short, the future of the 80's runs on speak-and-spell computers and Japanese industry.  Back in the U.S.A. I attempted to read a book that has eluded me for four years.  The kind of book that sits on the shelf collecting dust, just waiting for you to crack its spine and begin reading.  We have a history this book and I.  One that goes all the way back to a longtime ago in a galaxy far, far away.

I first picked of a copy of Star Wars: The Last Command from a bookstore cellar on the Charing Cross Road in central London back in 2012.  I knew even then that it was the third book in the series, because of my abortive attempt to read the first book in high school.  I bought the copy of the book regardless, and it sat on the shelf in the tiny closet sized room that I called home on Stamford Street.  There it sat on my bookshelf for the next six months, while I scoured London's secondhand bookshops looking for the first two books in the series.  Again, long story short, I failed.  The copy of the book came back to Indiana with me.

In Indiana I was able to checkout a copy of the first book from the local library.  Though I am not much for the Star Trek and Star Wars tie-in books, the novel was fantastic.  After moving to China I tried listening to audiobook of the second book in the series.  I didn't get much out of the experience, missing most of the plot and several key events.  However, finding a copy of the second book in the country proved next to impossible.  Finally I secured a copy of the second book thanks to Amazon and a visit from my Mom.  I am now very glad I secured a girlfriend before admitting this.  I doubt publicly admitting that you used your mother as a mule to transport Star Wars novels across continents would earn you many points with the ladies, but I digress.  She brought the book over and I read it in less than three days.  It was great.

Finally it was time to breakout that globetrotting copy of  Star Wars: The Last Command and read it after nearly four years gathering dust on my bookshelf.  Upon returning home, I realized that I'd donated the book to charity during my visit to the United States last March and forgotten about it.  Ever resourceful, I checked out a copy from the local library.  However I had already created an obstacle for myself.  Hoping to be able to take the book back to China with me, Agatha Christie's Murder At The Vicarage was already ahead of it in my reading queue.  I only got 25 pages through SWTLC after I failed miserably at solving the murder in one of Ms. Christie's more mediocre tales.  In my panic I bought a copy of SWTLC on Amazon when it became clear I couldn't finish it before leaving, but in keeping with the past, it didn't show up until after I'd already departed for China.

Now I am back to square one.  So if anyone in China knows where to get a copy of this 1994 Timothy Zahn classic, shoot me a We Chat.       

APEC: Air Pollution Eventually Controlled

As the temperature continues to drop outdoors APEC fever has descended on Beijing, and the capital is enjoying some unwanted attention from foreign media sources.  Yes folks, all the old "whipping boys" are making their appearance in the western media from poor air to China's infamous social decay.  In an effort to combat it's less than stellar image abroad, the Chinese government has stepped up "face saving messures", and it's the citizens of Beijing who are benefitting most.  Some great APEC related externalities are making the lives of Beijingers easier.  This phenomenon was highlighted in a recent article in the South China Morning Post where the paper referred to us a "long-suffering".  While I wouldn't go that far, it is nice to finally see somethings work right.....or some people work (at their jobs) for that matter.    

VACATION - APEC isn't just a meeting of important word leaders.  To millions of Beijingers it is a bona fide holiday.  Non-essential government personnel and students all getting the week off for the event.  However, the resulting babysitter shortage is really putting a crunch on working class Beijingers.  I am taking the opportunity to write a few blogs and read now that baseball season is over.  It also might be fun to watch the political chess game unfold at the conference, considering I have a ringside seat to the event.  I am very curious to see what Chinese state media has to say about the Taiwanese delegation (if anything), considering the comments of the nation's president regarding the Hong Kong democracy protests.          

AIR QUALITY - The title of this post comes from a joke circulating on the Chinese communication app, We Chat.  Think the Chinese carbon copy of What's App.  Beijingers awoke yesterday to the first blue-sky day in a long time.  I am taking the opportunity to breath as much moderately clean air as possible before the smog returns.....which will likely be in ten minutes.  The clean air initiatives have been so successful that there are already calls for holding a BPEC, and if need be, a CPEC.

CROWDING - Those stories you hear about homeless people in Beijing disappearing before the 2008 Olympics are probably true considering the evaporation of the city's street people in recent weeks.  They are cleaning up everything here, including people.  There are so few people in Beijing right now that I actually go to sit down on the subway for 10 whole minutes yesterday.....which leads me to my next point.  

SUBWAY SECURITY - Travelers to the "Big B" are usually shocked when they learn you must go through airport-style security every time you enter the city's expansive and terribly inefficient subway system (now the world's longest).  My loyal reader (that's correct...reader) will know that I have no love for Beijing's subway as explored in the post Trainspotting.  It should come as little surprise that security has increased for the event.  However, the situation isn't all bad.  The security screening staff are now actually doing their jobs.  It's sort of like the equivalent of going to 7-11 everyday and the woman behind the counter makes you checkout your own items and make your own change.  Then one day you come in and suddenly they actually do it for you.  Crazy idea right.   Trays have appeared at most of the subway screening machines, meaning I no longer have to place my items on the disgusting conveyer belt.  I also witnessed a security person check the x-ray screen when my bag was going through the machine.    

Yeah times are good here in Beijing thanks to APEC.  It's up to the livability of Chernobyl outside the immediate fallout zone.  So anyone contemplating a visit to the capital should certain consider visiting during BPEC.  I'll keep you posted on the upcoming dates.

     

Beijing Mysteries: Hutong Weasels

I know that at first glance stories about weasels thriving in Beijing's hutongs might not seem very plausible or interesting.  A breed of weasel adapting to Beijing's hallmark hutong alleyways?  Sounds like a bad joke.  Especially for those of us that experienced the right of passage "Snipe Hunting".  However, you know this one is true because the Chinese government officially doesn't acknowledge it.  The image of a fleeting weasel scurrying through the hutongs at night has taken on a cult mystic for many Beijingers.

Let me state on record that they do actually exist.  The real reason this topic is making an appearance in the Beijing Mysteries series is that most expats don't know they exist and the government officially doesn't recognize that they exist.  Most people have seen a hutong weasel, but many might not know it. This is due to the fact they look like long yellow cats.  Usually the pointed nose of the weasel is only difference.  They often live in downspouts and pipes, likely due to Beijing's scarce rainfall.  Most longtime Beijingers have a good weasel story or two.  Supposedly it isn't unusual for them to find their way into hutong houses, particularly if you live on the ground floor.

The elusive hutong weasel has had a lasting impact on Beijing's hutongs.....at least until they tear the rest of them down.  Many of the locals say seeing a weasel is good luck.  One travel agency even had a contest to see who could snap the best weasel picture.  This reputable news source wasn't able to secure a satisfactory photo of the creature.  Despite being unphotogenic, the weasel population has spawned its own subgenre of expat folk tales.  Beijing's most prominent ( and as far as I know only) square dance band takes the name Hutong Yellow Weasels in honor of the local mascot.  So the next time you're strolling through the hutongs at night and see a yellow cat run by, remember it might be one of the city's famous hutong weasels.          

Demolition in Gulou

Gulou (Drum Tower in English) is a centuries old tower in central Beijing that happily lends its name to the surrounding neighborhood.  Together with the Bell Tower directly to the north, the Drum Tower was used for centuries to announce the time to Beijing's residents before western timekeeping made it obsolete after the fall of the Qing Dynasty.  Some of the hutongs surrounding the Drum and Bell Towers date back to the Yuan Dynasty and give this otherwise bland megacity a few points for livability and originality.

Beijing tour guide pointing out Gulou

Sadly the drums are eerily silent now.  The neighborhood named after the city's largest timepiece appears to have run out of the valuable commodity it kept track of for centuries.  The historic neighborhood that surrounds the towers is one of the city's main tourist destinations because it remains so well-preserved, but the city seems intent on changing this fact.  

Beijing might be my temporary home, but outside the second ring road it is a lame, desolate cultural wasteland.  Imagine a never ending vertical suburb that is unlivable and lacks any sort of defining characteristics.  Places like Gulou are few and far between in mainland China.  Most people from mainland China seem oblivious to the fact that development and construction don't necessarily make a neighborhood more livable or raise quality of life.  As a result, you'll find many housing developments in China that are tens of stories tall, but still miles away from anywhere.  Living in a neighborhood like Gulou is far closer to what life is like in the United States where convenience is king.  Even if most of the structures are older than dirt, at least a list of errands doesn't take 10 hours

.      

Old ladies playing mahjong in the rubble

But now it looks like the neighborhood's days are numbered (Probably numbered 4 because it sounds like death in Chinese).  Last week the Drum and Bell Coffee Shop, a Beijing institution known for its great Americano, closed without warning and is slated for demolition soon.  You might be wondering why the Chinese Government is demolishing one of the city's most historic neighborhoods, and the answer might surprise you.  It is planning to build a Disneyland-esque copy of the current neighborhood.  That is right, tear down the old buildings and simply reconstruct copies of them in their place.

Officially called a "restoration", the destruction of a historic neighborhood in Beijing is nothing new.  Both Qianmen and the Houhai district went through "restoration", with Qianmen now resembling a Chinese version of Disneyland's Main Street USA, complete with every bland American, Taiwanese  and Japanese chain-store that you can imagine.  The funny thing about it (at least from the perspective of foreigners) is that they destroy the entire historic neighborhood to rebuild a cartoon version of what stood before.  And as you can guess, in mainland China, there isn't any public dissent against this travesty.                  

Opening Party for Hutong Cultural Center

I don't know what this is....
but it looked cool

Enjoying the weather in the courtyard

Thanks to my awesome connections (guan xi), I got an invitation to the opening of a new hutong cultural center.  The new center, located just north of the Forbidden City, chronicles some of the quickly disappearing aspects of hutong life in China's changing capital, and it is housed inside of traditional courtyard residence that once served as an urban hideaway for Beijing's elite.  These kind of boutique tourist destinations keeping popping up in the capital, and I highly recommended them to anyone visiting and looking for a taste of pre-revolutionary life.    

library filled with government
approved reading material

awesome tree

My roommate and employee of the establishment

Beat the Heat with Chuaner

The capital continues experiencing a heat wave as everyone attempts to keep cool this summer.  Temperatures climbed to 107 degrees fahrenheit today (I think that is something like 10 degrees celsius).  Though Beijing's sidewalks are far too dirty to attempt the old "cooking an egg on the sidewalk" stunt, the capital boasts some great ways to beat the heat and make those hot summer days a little more fun, especially when it comes to eating.

Chewing down some chuaner

Chuaner, pronounced chawrr, originates in China's troubled Xinjiang Autonomous Region.  I always make the joke, "Xinjiang.....2% of China's population......50% of the tastiness."  And yes, no one ever laughs when I tell it in person either.  Anyway, the chuaner is a Chinese form of barbeque on a stick that everyone likes to eat during the summer months.  I am pretty sure that the restaurant behind my house employees a seasonal chuaner chef, because he doesn't work there in winter, only during the summer months.  Also, most places use a hairdryer to help heat the chuaner.  I like to think that this not-so-secret ingredient adds extra flavor and dander to the food.

You can get almost anything barbecued with chuaner (the name of the spice used to season the food).  Lamb is the most popular, and there are few things as satisfying as eating a giant leg of lamb on a hot summer day.

Everyone loves lamb

My neighborhood, Beixinqiao, now sports more chuaner restaurants than people, making it easy to enjoy this Chinese form of summer barbeque.  If you're having trouble beating the Beijing heat, grab an Arctic or a Yanjing and enjoy some chuaner.      

Moving Jobs: Takin' Care of Business

You may or may not have noticed this blog's recent name change.  "ChOFFICE SPACE" no longer seemed appropriate, because as of last week, I am now working at a new job.  My days of coming into the office and reading news articles for nine hours straight have ended and not a moment too soon.  I spent so much time on the BBC website that they should have made me an honorary foreign correspondent.

A smart woman once told me that no foreigner working in China ever made it here without being "duped".  Truthfully this statement is pretty accurate, and I am sure most of my expatriated friends would certainly agree.  Though the job is normally a bust, laowai usually end up staying for a few years.  Some might ask why, and to this I simply reply the adventure of it.  Life in the Middle Kingdom certainly isn't easy, least of all for the Chinese that don't have the option to leave.  However, this is what I find rewarding.        

Now it's x-treme

Striking out and leaving your job for the uncertainty of a new position can be stressful.  However, in my case it certainly felt needed.  So wish me luck at the new job, and enjoy my rebranding efforts for the blog.  I am thinking of just turning the logo sideways.  The kids seem to love that these days.

Also, here is a cartoon that I thought was funny

      

Persistence is Futile: Efforts to Convince Friends and Family to Visit Beijing

Literally Everything in China is Under Construction

Convincing friends and family to visit me in China is sort of a futile effort.  Let's be honest, China has a very well-earned image problem in the rest of the world when it comes to attracting tourists.  It's smoggy, crowded, and hectic.  Not exactly most people's idea of dream vacation.  Especially not for my friends and relatives that vacation down at the Gulf of Mexico year after year.

Summer Palace

Despite this, my mother has decided to visit Beijing sometime in July, and the planning process has begun for the trip.....and so have the headaches.  We hold very different ideas of what a vacation in China should include.  The fact my father refuses to come continues to escalate this "Travel Planning Cold War" to new heights.  Their constant threats to pull-the-plug on the trip don't make matters easier either.  And I continually feel the need to explain to my girlfriend that my father doesn't hate her culture, he just doesn't want to visit or have anything to do with it.    

Temple of Heaven

Another problem I continually encounter is that everyone seems to think there're a lot more tourist attractions in the Beijing area than there really are.  Don't get me wrong, there's the Forbidden City, Temple of Heaven, Lama Temple, and the Great Wall.  However, they are in really close proximity to each other, with the exception of the Great Wall, meaning you can visit most of the city's major POI in a few days.

Obviously, curved roof =
Chinese tourist attraction

Spending two weeks in Beijing means a visitor will have to tap the city's less traditional tourist attractions such as the 798 District or just kickin' it in the hutongs, both of which appeal far more to this lao wei Beijinger than another trip to the Forbidden City.  Welcome to the Forbidden City.  If you'd like to see what was inside of the palace, please schedule a trip to Taipei, Taiwan.  This problem is exacerbated by the fact that not many people, including myself, don't consider the monolithic, Orwellian structures of the CPC as tourist attractions, at least not yet.  Maybe one day, the image of the Great Hall of the People will become the defining image of the city, but I wouldn't count on it.

Sometimes planning a trip can be more exhausting than the trip itself.  Certainly, helping other people plan a trip is more exhausting than the actual trip.  I just hope that I get some good memories out of this experience....



  

Cuju: Beixinqiao's Favorite Hutong Hangout

Everybody has that place they don't make it too often enough.  Maybe it's the location or you're just tired after a long day of work, but you never seem to find the right time to visit even though you want to go.  For me it's a bar called Cuju in the hutong behind my apartment complex.  And despite its small size, the bar has a big following in the expat community.  

The composite featured on their website

Quite possibly the world's smallest bar, Cuju is one of those places that you have to know where it is to find it.  It is isolated on a winding hutong alleyway, standing as an oasis in an otherwise bar-less area.  The place is famous in the expat community for showing notable sporting events live.  In the case of the East Coast of the United States, this means 12 hours later, so picture a bar that is willing to open at 4 in the morning for some events.  I watched the NFL playoffs here back in January at 4 am, and the crowd was standing room only.  Considering the place holds about 20 people, this might lessen the accomplishment, but hey this is Beijing, so I’ll give it to them.  The place also has a Moroccan food menu.  I am not entirely sure what the Hell Moroccan food is, but I know enough to know that I like it. 

Intimate space

NFL Playoffs Live.  Look in the left-hand corner
 and you might recognize the dashingly handsome lao wei

Though I love the place, my roommates hate it.  Honestly their hatred for the place, encouraged by my unrelenting praises, has crossed the line to becoming a running joke.

Me:  “Want to go have a drink at Cuju tonight?”

Roommates:  “I'd rather have a cavity filled.”

I must concede that one of their complaints is certainly well founded.  For a dive bar, it is very expensive.  The only thing on the menu below $5 is the happy hour beer.  However, if you like rum, and we all do, they have the most amazing selection in the capital.  They just started stocking Kracken rum from my home state of Indiana.  Though a shot of it will cost you an arm and a leg, you can't really put a price on home.

The bar even hosted a Mardi Gras event featuring cajun food.  And keeping with the general theme of this piece, I missed that event, but I heard through the lao wei grapevine that it was un bon temps (my French is about as good as my Chinese).  

I plan to rekindle my love affair with the place during the NBA playoffs.  Go Pacers.  Any Beijinger looking for a fun place to watch some games, matches, and tournaments can't go wrong by checking this place out.  Don't let the small size fool you, this place is big fun.        

http://cujubeijing.com/


  

Capital Sounds

Like Taiwanese and Hong Kong pop music from 20 years ago?  Then mainland China is the place for you my friend.  I must admit that I am not very fond of the genre, and neither are most expats.  However, there is hope because the Beijing music scene is quite exciting and has much more to offer than just soundtracks to Jackie Chan movies.

Carsick Cars playing somewhere

Many of the city's up and coming rock groups have very small followings among the Chinese population.  The band “Carsick Cars”, who just released their new album, are very hot in the west.  They played in Paris a couple months ago, and people simply lost their minds.  They also gained considerable attention when they opened for the Sonic Youth during part of their European tour.  In my personal opinion, their new album is great.  Despite favorable praise from western journalist and a strong following among foreigners, both inside and outside China, the band remains relatively unknown in their home country. 

The Beijing Beatles

Some of the city’s most popular music acts are western cover bands.  Last month it seemed like the Beijing Beatles played a show every single night of the week.  I myself saw them twice in one weekend.  Also, sorry to burst your bubble, but don't expect to see a Chinese Ringo dressed in a Sgt. Pepper's uniform on stage.  This fab four is Australian.  I know...I know.  I was disappointed too.  There is also the Beijing Dead, a local Grateful Dead cover band that is starting to play a lot of shows around town.  I haven't had the privilege of seeing them yet.  Don’t know if I have the patience to sit through a 20 minute rendition of “Truckin’”, but if you’re into that...whatever floats your boat. 

The various venues around town usually hold open mic nights at least once a week.  Prepare to be impressed with some of the city’s talent.  Most of the participants, by that I mean the vast majority, are expats, and they are usually very good.  Anyone looking to see the next hip Chinese act that will have the west talking, before they get jailed for dissidence, should definitely make a trip to Beijing.

Note: My phone and computer are no longer speaking to each other, so I must now rip photos off the internet....enjoy 

India: Cultural Exchange from a Nation at a Crossroads

My new roommate is originally from Mumbai, and as a result, I am having a great deal of fun learning about India and Indian culture.  It might seem counter-intuitive; go to China….learn about India, but life is funny like that sometimes.  And the timing couldn't be better considering all the interesting things going on in that country.

Elections – The world’s largest democracy is going to the polls.  Mountbatten and the British might have taken a lot with them when they left in 47, but the Westminster system remains.  It has been pretty cool having someone who knows the details about the Indian political system, especially considering the ceaseless coverage by the BBC.  The outcome of this election will have a significant and long-term impact on Indian politics, especially considering the troubles of the Indian National Congress and the rise of the anti-corruption party.  It will also have a significant impact on Sino-Indian relations.  India is due to surpass China as the world’s most populous nation in the near future, and despite their strange and often strained relationship, not one Chinese person that I have talked to seems to know that the two countries fought a war in 1962.  This is especially interesting considering China won the war.

Google "India Cricket" and you'll likely get a photo of Sachin Tendulkar.  I think this is him.....

        

Cricket – The Indian Premier League began earlier this week, and from what I understand, the real drama takes place of the field.  Most of the owners in this league make Jerry Jones and Mark Cuban look like passive observers, and as a result, the league’s one month (that is right....it only lasts one month) season tends to have the atmosphere of a carnival.  Due to the elections, the first matches were held in Dubai this year.  Though the world’s second most popular sport remains an enigma to most of us in the United States (they literally break for tea during international test matches....hilarious), it continues to boom in the Commonwealth and is growing in popularity as mainland China experiences Hong Kong-ization.  My roommate is a fan of the Mumbai Indians, and despite my jibes about having the world's least inventive mascot, he is very excited about this season.     

IPL Clubs

   

Economic Growth – Beijing is famous for its smog…..but it has a new challenger for the title of smoggiest capital.  New Delhi’s population is emblematic of the country’s rapid industrialization.  While the Chinese are betting on Commonwealth Africa becoming the next “workshop of the world” many others are betting on India.  The economic fortunes of India and China seemed intertwined as rising wages and slowing economic growth are forcing manufacturers to look outside China for the next “gold rush” economy.  Both countries are also going through military build-ups with China’s love affair with its first carrier and India continuing its program of naval “indigenization”. 

I have always found the sub-continent fascinating, especially considering its different approach to plurality from the United States.  For example, different religions are governed by different laws in some cases.  India’s complicated relationship with China has only made it more interesting to me during my time in Beijing.  Then again, what nation on earth doesn't have a complicated relationship with Beijing?  The interesting people you meet in Beijing really help put the world in perspective, and I have learned a great deal about many of the other lao weis’ homes during my time here.  It just shows that a good cultural exchange doesn't always have to be between your home country and the nation you are living.

Lunch

An exciting opportunity came up last week; I got the chance to have lunch with an old high school friend that I hadn't seen in years.  It’s great to catch-up with people and find out how things are going.  Usually events like this happen in a more familiar environment, like when you visit home over Christmas.  But in this case, the Local had to do.  My friend, Sieg, made a joke about how he never thought we'd be meeting up on the other side of the world, and I am glad one of us finally pointed out the absurdity of two Hoosiers in their mid-twenties having lunch at a nondescript restaurant in Sanlitun.  It was tough to believe any time at all had passed considering that he had refused to age and still looked like his 17 year old self.  Not bad for him considering that my balding has started to gather pace.    

  

As we chatted and ate, I must admit I started to feel slightly guilty for not staying in touch over the years.  Getting out of Floyds Knobs is no easy feat.  The gravitational pull of 47119 is something akin to a small-medium sized star.  Sometimes you think that you’re out, but it pulls you right back in (like Michael in the Godfather: Part III).  Information sort of gets lost in the shuffle, so most of our meal was spent learning about the last five years of our lives.  I didn't even know that he’d been engaged.  He asked some questions about what I’d been up to with my life (the short answer is not much).     

 I have very little contact with anyone I knew before college, and this probably says more about me than it does any of them.  However, I am more than okay with this 99.99% of the time (this instance being the exception).  I didn't really like growing up in Cell Block 47119, and I make no apology for my open contempt when the numbers 9, 2, and 3 are placed too close together.  Yet I am a very proud Hoosier and want to move home to Indiana someday.  This perplexes my girlfriend who is originally from Hebei Province about 2.5 hours outside of Beijing.  She doesn't understand how I can love Indiana so much but hold Floyds Knobs in such low standing.  What I have really learned from trying to explain this is that the old adage “You had to be there” is still truer than ever.  My lunch the other day showed me that sometimes the “good” of a “bad” situation can sometimes be lost on you at the time.  It took me years to realize this.

It was good to see Sieg again and knowing another Lao Wei in China will bolster my guan xi.  We spent about two hours laughing at some of the more “unique” sights we'd seen in the Middle Kingdom.  We both had great stories, especially considering our different living situations.  He lives in a small provincial city, and I reside in Beijing.  As a result, I got to learn about life in smaller Chinese cities.  Truthfully, it didn't sound all that different than Floyds Knobs, or any other suburb for that matter, except for the smog of course.  I am still holding out hope of more friends and family visiting me in Beijing, but I am not really holding my breath.  That is one luxury in China not even political connections can get you.            

Great Leap Brewery: Beijing's Ellis Island

Trying to explain to my Chinese girlfriend why I refer to the Great Leap Brewery as the “Ellis Island” of Beijing took some time and effort.  First, I had to explain what the hell Ellis Island was, then its impact on American history and immigration, and finally why the Great Leap resembled this famous gateway to America.  Once the analogy made sense, she certainly concurred.  Go to GL on any given night and here languages from all over the world.  Hear English in every accent imaginable and take some time to soak up some internationalism in this famously provincial megacity. 

  

All of this unfolds while lao wei and Chinese scarf down one of the best burgers that I have ever been lucky enough to eat.  That’s right….I said “ever”.  I know…I know, but trust me.  You can find some great hamburgers in China if you just know where to look.  However, the beer is a little lackluster and overpriced, but you can’t have everything. 

Great Leap is one of the first stops for any foreigner “fresh off the boat” from home.  (That is how expatriates refer to newcomers)  It was one of the first places that I went to after arriving in Beijing, and a trip to the GL usually includes at least one fresh-faced, idealistic foreigner who’s ready to experience all China has to offer; after they have one more American-style burger of course.  Though the food is always comforting, the real wonderful part of the experience remains the fact that the other diners don’t stare at me, because they too are likely culturally exhausted lao wei in the Middle Kingdom, looking for a reminder of their homes across the ocean. 

Since the opening of its Sanlitun branch, the restaurant/brewery has gained a cult following among Chinese and a hub-like atmosphere for foreigners.  It is my Chinese girlfriend’s favorite restaurant, so naturally she had her birthday dinner there.  Even foreigners that don’t hail from the west, such as Korean and Japanese expats, use the brewery as their unofficial base of operations.  Sometimes I joke that they’re going to start shuttle services between PEK (Beijing Capital Airport) and the Great Leap.  I should buy a bus and get a Chinese driver’s license and make a killing.  The phenomenon reinforces the idea that in China, all foreigners belong to a single, relatively homogeneous class unto themselves.  Not inferior or superior in anyway, just different.  There are Chinese and foreigners and not much in between.   

The Chinese wait staff specializes in the dialect of Chinglish spoken by tourists and expats trying to master the linguistic difficulties of Mandarin.  Long story short, they all have the patience of Job.  Imagine a bunch of picky foreigners yelling, “Wo bu yao pickle,” at you all day long.  I’d lose it.  And I must say that it is nice to go to a restaurant and not have to yell, “fuian,” to get a waiter to get off their cellphone and pay attention to me.  So comps to the GL for that. 

One of my favorite jokes to make is that a police raid at the Great Leap would get half the illegal foreigners living in Beijing, and this isn't far from the truth.  In the choppy waters of Beijing, sometimes it’s nice to have an international port of call that helps fresh off the boat lao wei to adjust to their new home.  Most will just have their passports stamped and visas checked, but others at the GL are going through the naturalization process just like Ellis Island’s immigrants of yesteryear.            

Trainspotting

Someone put in a request for a post about the Beijing subway system.  In keeping with the tradition of the Beijing subway, I decided to perpetually delay the post until now and then overcrowd it with meaningless opinion.  I don’t hide my contempt for the Beijing metro very well.  You can tell a lot about a city by its mass transit lines.  For example, New York’s system is brilliantly designed and executed, but terribly maintained, and Chicago’s has so much character, but leaves massive sections of west and south Chicago untouched.  Beijing’s shows the world how quickly the Chinese like to build things without really thinking about the future. 

Back in the day as a young, idealistic Hoosier, I loved visiting cities with rapid transit systems.  The idea of reading a book during my commute seemed like a wonderful alternative to spending time alone behind the wheel.  New York, London, Chicago, and Paris represented opportunities for more centralized living that didn’t require four wheels, a driver’s license, and expensive trips to the gas station.  Beijing turned this dream into a nightmare. 

Beijing Subway 2013

Alright, I am over exaggerating a little.  There are a lot of great things about living in this city.  However, the subway certainly doesn’t make the list.  As a result, the rest of this post will come off a little negative.  For one, the system is massive and constantly expanding.  Beijing added several new stations just last month, extending Line 8 into the center of the city.  Line 10 alone features 42 stations and is the world’s largest subway loop.  Line 14, stretching from the city’s southwest corner to Wangjing in the north east, is expected to be completed in the near future. 

All of these lines and stations should make zipping around the city a breeze, unless you want to go in a direction that isn’t east-west or north-south.  As of yet, the Beijing metro doesn’t have any lines crisscrossing the city, leading commuters to make multiple transfers at already crowded stations. 

In terms of ridership, Beijing now ranks as the second most ridden subway system in the world in terms of number of passenger trips, behind Seoul.  A very impressive feat considering the Seoul subway has much large trains with more cars per train.  As a result, the Beijing subway feels infinitely more crowded than its companion in the ROK’s capital.

Beijing Subway 2008

I am no engineer, but whoever designed the thing was definitely looking to cut some corners.  No express lines, malfunctioning ticket machines, and security checks make sure that ever commute is an unhappy one.  That’s right folks; you have to go through an airport security check every time you ride the subway here.  However, the “thoroughness” (I use this term very, very loosely) of the check ironically leaves with an insecure feeling.  I hold the belief that these bag scanning machines only exist to control traffic flow and keep people employed.  Refuse to submit to the security check, and they’ll simply let you walk on through.  (I haven’t done this, but I see people do it all the time).       

The metro does possess a redeeming quality.  Some of the monitors in the stations and trains show cartoons.  Most are safety videos where the characters get into some unsafe situations.  They can be funny, both intentionally and unintentionally.  The poor production values go a long way for comedic effect.  The best part of the subway is the episodes of Shaun the Sheep they sometimes play on Line 5.  As you might guess, Shaun is a sheep who lives on a farm with a group of other animals.  It’s made by the same people who brought us Wallace and Gromit.  Let’s just say I have missed a few trains because I couldn’t stop watching Shaun’s Claymation shenanigans.  I like the sheepdog the best.  His hat is legit.  Whenever my commute becomes too stressful, I take a cue from the farmer in Shaun the Sheep and just pretend that I am oblivious to everything around me.  Another important life lesson learned from children’s cartoons.     

Priceless Comedy Gold